Family Traditions -- Be Brave -- Establish Your Own

One of the things I marvel at every holiday season is how conflicted and exhausted parents of young families often become over where and how to spend their holiday time. There are the families that spend Thanksgiving with one set of parents and Christmas with another. Or even the families that spend half a day with each family driving hours and hours with tired crabby kids in order to not offend parents or relatives.

We had a young family and were living in Denver, Colorado in the 1980's. My family was from Brooklyn, NY and Kathy's was living in Arizona. Well, sometime in early October the phone calls started, inquiring where WE were going to spend Christmas. Obviously with three young children and a fourth on the way, our respective parents, brothers and sisters were anxious to see us. Lots of pressure. Beginning in the early days of our marriage, Kathy and I had established Thanksgiving as a day at our home, even though we lived in the same town as her family. We hosted what we called a waif's dinner, for her family if they choose to come and for friends who did not have family and had no where else to go. It became a strong tradition and a great opportunity to be with friends, relatives and an occasional newcomer who was dragged along by a friend. Best of all we got to stay home with our little ones and just hang out.

But now - we had moved all the way to Colorado! Obviously, judging from the phone calls from our respective families, they felt Christmas was an important time for family to reconnect. So building up our courage we called everyone and said, "we love you and will miss you but we are staying in Colorado and sneaking away to a condo in Vail". We told everyone they were always welcome to come visit with us. It turned out to be a great decision and a tradition that we carried on through the 1980's. Our families came to accept that we viewed this time as a chance to establish our own family traditions. They of course were always welcome. In fact, one year my entire family of six brothers and sisters along with my mom and dad came from all over the US to spend the holidays in Colorado. It was one of the most memorable times ever for everyone of us as we had 24 inches of snow on Christmas Eve and no one could go anywhere. We spent Christmas day in our driveway climbing to the top of our suburban and diving into the snow banks on our lawn. The photos were wonderful!

So today as you look ahead to the coming holiday season, be brave and think about establishing YOUR OWN FAMILY TRADITIONS.

Now, I will share one more weird tradition that we have in our family. In 1969 Arlo Guthrie, the son of the famed folk singer Woody Guthrie, wrote and performed a classic song, Alice' Restaurant. It is 18+ minutes long and describes the adventures of a group of friends at Thanksgiving. We have played that song in our home every Thanksgiving as Kathy prepares dinner for the past 34 years (and for those few Thanksgivings spent on the road at soccer tournaments we just brought the music along)!!!! And there was a tear in my eye, a few years ago when our kids called from Cincinnati to tell me that as they prepared their Thanksging meal they were playing it as well . Check it out If you live in Phoenix, radio sattion KDKB plays it at 9am, 12pm, 3 pm and 6pm each Thanksgiving.

Let us know some of your more unique family holiday traditions.

Gratitude

We are moving toward Thanksgiving, a time of year when we hopefully find some time to reflect on the many good things in our lives. It can be hard in times of emotional or financial turmoil to find the good in the world. I have been asked recently how I would suggest teaching gratitude to a young child.

Well. I have bad news for someone looking for a list of training exercises you can do with your child. I do not believe you can sit them down and point out things they should be thankful for in their lives. I can still hear my grandmother telling me about the starving children in India, Africa and our hometown, who would devour the meal I was refusing to eat. I can hear myself occasionally telling my 14 year son and daughter, how good they have it today with cell phones, ipods and cable television. The words just do not register. ACTIONS DO.

One of my favorite books is written by a monk named, David Steindl-Rast. In Gratefulness, The Heart of Prayer: An Approach to Life in Fullness he emphasizes the need each day to be grateful for all of the things in your life, the good and the bad. Check out his web site for some great references http://www.gratefulness.org. Today’s business books are full of the need to be thankful to our families and co-workers as we move through our business days.

Now back to the question at hand. How do we help our children and family members become more thankful or grateful? Here is the hard part. We have to model grateful behavior for them!!!! We cannot express frustration in the car in the ATM line or in any of the myriad lines we stand in when the person in front of you takes forever to organize themselves. In the book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, author Marshall Goldsmith, suggests taking a few days and writing down every comment or opinion you express. His research indicates a high number of those comments will be of a critical nature. Think about what your children hear from you, either about themselves, their friends or things in your daily life.

And when you say Thank You, look the person in the eye and mean it! How often have we experienced some type of service, we throw out a quick thank you, while we continue to text or talk on the phone or hustle the kids out the door. Slow down. Try this at the end of the day. Tell your kids and family members how grateful you are that they are in your lives. Too dramatic? Try saying thanks when they finish cleaning up after dinner and do not focus on the little things they forgot to do. Just be grateful they are there with you.

To our kids, Maureen and Katie, who were in visiting this past weekend from Ohio with their great husbands, Matt and Eric, we want to say thanks for coming and remember we love you and miss you all every day!

Plateaus Are Cool

Enjoy the plateau

It is an important step in a long process

A Plateau is defined as: a period or state of little or no growth or decline, a period of little or no apparent progress in an individual's learning, marked by an inability to increase speed, reduce number of errors, etc., and indicated by a horizontal stretch in a learning curve or graph.

As children progress though our swim lesson or sports camp programs or as I have watched our children play sports, there are times of no improvement in their skills. They simply are not getting any better in spite of the fact that they are putting in the effort. Many times parents express frustration with the program or coach, wondering why their child is suddenly not the leading scorer or is not involved or enthused on the playing field or in the pool.

I think plateaus are really times when our bodies or minds are asking for a little rest. It is a time to continue to work to perfect the skill or gain new strength and confidence without the pressure to perform at the highest level of competitiveness or competence. Why do I bring this up now? I find the fall/winter season to be one where a lot of plateauing (if that is a word) goes on in childrens' athletic and academic performance. Think about it. They have come out of the semi-lazy days of an all too short summer and are now engaged in schoolwork and routine. Up in the morning, early off to school or day-care, then to swim school lessons or music or dance or tumble bees or whatever and then homework, dark nights and even dark mornings. The kids are also on a bit of over-load with Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas all roaring down the road one after the other.

Our oldest son was an awesome gymnast. We remember one time when one of his grade school teammates was going through a growth spurt. This poor guy was crashing all over the place on high bar, parrallel bars and pommels as he got used to working with the dynamics of longer legs and arms. We spoke with the coach and expressed a curiosty about his, the coach's, perception of the athlete's issues. Coach Mike gave a great answer. He said Jason needed to keep working through this tough period and as time went on he would develop the muscles he needed to help maintain his balance. Coach Mike worked with him mentally so that he would relax, endure and even enjoy this time when he was not expected to perform at his highest level. Jason continued to work hard and went on to compete at the collegiate level.

What would have happened if Jason's parents or even his coach were to have driven him harder to excel at this difficult time. He certainly may have felt discouraged enough to quit a sport he loved while his body was adapting. Research indicates that many children quit sports not because they do not excel at them but rather because the expectations of others (parents, coaches and even teammates) have taken the fun out of the sport. So my adivce today is: if your child is on a plateau, be patient. If the program or team or coach is a good one, trust the teacher or coach. Encourage your child but do not belabor or over-review a bad performance or game or practice. Do not ask why they kept missing that corner kick in soccer practice or the free throws in basketball or the right key in piano practice. The coach's job is to teach skills, encourage and challenge, that is why you are paying them. So let them do their job. Your job is to encourage your child to find their place in this world, wherever that may be.

Here is a little poem from an Australian swim instructor to help you:

The Plateau

Yesterday I swam so good,
I've always done just what I should,
But now I ask you let me be,
To play MY way, to set me free.
I'm full right up to the very brim,
of pull, kick, pull and swim, swim, swim.
Of lessons and drills I've had enough,
right now it all just seems too tough.
So please just let me be myself and
leave the new skills on the shelf.
I want to play my way for a while, and
when I'm ready you'll see me smile.
Please Mum don't make me be on show,
For now I'm on a learning plateau.
I don't know how long it might last, but
I'll swim again when it has passed.

Brana Williams, City of Gosnells Leisure

After the Glory is Gone

The Value of Teammates after the Glory is Gone

The New York Marathon is coming up soon. Running a marathon is a great experience. It tests your physical and emotional condition no matter your level of fitness. Having run three (3) marathons, I hold a great deal of respect for anyone who can complete the 26.2 miles, no matter how fast.

Over the years, I have heard all kinds of reasons for a child or young adult to participate in sports. The reasons range from physical fitness, learning to work as a team, the joy of competition, what you learn on the field of competition will stay with you forever, etc. One you rarely hear is that your teammates will quite often be your friends forever. I trained for my NY Marathon with two friends and to this day, 25+ years later we can still call each other and pick up conversations as if we had only seen each other a few weeks ago. During those hours on the road you break down communication barriers and often develop your own shorthand language.

Kathy and I were lucky that four of our children participated in athletics from their grade school years through high school and then through college (a swimmer, two soccer players and a gymnast). Today many of their steadfast friends are former teammates. They periodically come together from all parts of the globe. It is fun to sit and watch as they reconnect quickly. Talking to my kids, they often report that they have spoken to a former teammate who is having a baby or having some difficulty in life. Their networking is amazing. It is great that they have a group of trusted friends to rely upon.

The New York Times this weekend carried a story about the former teammates of Ryan Shay . You may recall that Ryan was competing in the 2008 U.S. Olympic Trials for the marathon in New York City last November when at the five (5) mile mark he suddenly fell to the pavement. He died shortly thereafter of a heart issue. He was young, age 28 and in great racing shape. His death shocked the running world, not only because of his talent but because of his great competitive spirit. Many people counted him as a friend and competitor.

At this year's marathon, nineteen of his Notre Dame University teammates will be running the marathon wearing the Notre Dame racing singlets. Additionally, fifteen of his wife Alicia's family and friends will be running in Ryan's honor. For Alicia's family, the NY Times reports, many are not elite athletes but have taken up the challenge in Ryan's memory.

So if you get the chance to watch the marathon or read about it, pause for a second and consider how quickly life can flee. Ryan's family and friends searched for him at checkpoints along the road in that Olympic Trials race. All to no avail. Today they run in his memory. If you have children competing in sports, no matter the level, pay attention to the names of their teammates because they will be in their lives long after the glory and competitions have faded!

Can You Learn to Relax as a Parent?

Something might happen!!

Today's parents of infants and toddlers seem obsessed with safety. We see kids in our lobbies and at the malls wrapped so tightly in their strollers with neck rollers and five point harnesses, that they would be safe in a NASCAR car crash. Is the average parent afraid they are going to lose their child's stroller going over a 100 foot cliff?

I have picked up in our lobby a child's safety catalogue that sells visors to keep the soap out of a child's face while washing their hair! No wonder we see children afraid to be splashed as they sit on the step waiting for their swim lesson!

The debate rages about the merits, good or bad, of constantly washing the kids hands with anti-bacterial soap. Does that give rise to a cleaner child or a child more susceptible to getting an infection or illness? I grew up in a house where the five second rule applied. Ohhh, come on, tell me you have never eaten a roll or a piece of licorice or fruit that fell on the floor.

During our training classes for our instructors, we prepare them for teaching new students who come to our programs after their infant/toddler stage. Many of these children, that are late three or four year olds, have not had any swimming experience. If they have, it is often in a life jacket and floaties, as the parents in good faith have done their best to "protect" them from anything happening to them in a pool or aquatic environment. Often these children do very well, but the first few classes can be a stress filled time as the floaties and life jackets give them a sense of need for those items in an aquatic environment.

What are the two things a parent of a toddler tries to ingrain in their child as they begin to toddle around or be inquisitive? My research, very unofficial of course, is that the parent warns the child to: #1 Stay Away from the Pool and #2 Stranger Danger. We live in a world full of these warnings. Now, welcome to our world as swim instructors where the parents bring a non-swimming child to swim lessons and does what? They give the child to a stranger, who then takes them in the water.....without their floaties! WOW, that can present a challenge to the teacher and the child.

"Contemporary parents feel it's harder and harder to raise children, and the world is more and more dangerous," David Anderegg, author of "Worried All the Time" and a family therapist in Lenox, Mass. says. "But that is objectively not true," at least for middle-class and upper-middle-class children. "Although many parents are very anxious about their first child, with later children they understand how robust children are." Bringing Up Baby in a Bubble

During our training session with the team from New Directions Institute, they spoke to us about how a young child will mirror the facial inflections or expectations of a parent or teacher. If the parent has a worried look on their face or their hands are tense as they hold them, the child will transfer this nervousness to their own behavior or perception. We work with our instructors so that their facial expressions and words are warm and positive. In our parent and child classes we remind the parent who is teaching their child of the same things. Often times, these parents are unaware of their own facial expressions and what they may convey to their child.

So the next time your child falls down, try not to run over and check on them. Let them get up, check themselves out. If they are not interrupted by a parental inquisition about the state of their health, my bet is that they will go on about their business. When we first take a child underwater in swim lessons, we work on providing positive feedback both verbally and by our facial expressions when the child surfaces. Often times this little bit of encouragement can be enough to give the child confidence to move forward.

So the next time your little one falls over or has a bit of a playground conflict with another child, let them work it out. Relax. 99.99999% of the time, they will be fine. If you are sitting at swim lessons, soccer practice, gymnastic tumble bees, at the playground or wherever, do not dissect the entire practice or perceived bit of rough play by another child. Remind you child of the fun they did have and move on. Let your child believe that not every day or activity is a test. You do not need improvement in everything everyday. While we want to be aware of safe practices with pools, strollers, bikes and car seats, you cannot raise a child in a bubble. If you do, at sometime it is gonna burst. So relax and in doing so you will give your child the skills they will need when they are out of your shadow. Relax and enjoy your little ones. They are truly a gift from God.

Relax You Will "Get There" Faster

How often do we pause in the middle of our busy days, check our watch and calculate the time til all our chores are done? Hurry up, Move it, I'm Late, Let's Go, I've Got A Lot To Do! What would happen if we perfectly planned our day, nothing happened to throw us off and we relaxed and enjoyed the moment as we pursued our activities? Studies show us that it would be an amazingly excellent day!

If your muscles are tense and working hard do you go faster? Here at the swim school we occasionally have to speak with parents who are concerned that their child has spent a significant portion of their class floating or practicing submersions. We believe in teaching comfort under water, floating and breath control before we add in propulsion. There is no point in swimming across the pool if a student gets there exhausted because they were holding their breath and just struggling to survive. They are working too hard. Tense muscles do not make them go faster!

These issues apply to life as well. When you are having a discussion that escalates to an argument do you notice that voices rise in volume, gestures get exaggerated and faces get red. People are so wound up, they stop breathing and cannot focus on the issue at hand. Wanna drive someone crazy in an argument (maybe your kids) work hard to keep your breathing calm, your voice soft and minimize your gestures and just focus on listening. Respond calmly and you will take control.

What does all of this have to do with swimming or athletics in general? The New York Times just recently quoted one of our favorite coaches, Rick DeMont, assistant head coach of the University of Arizona Men's 2008 NCAA Swimming Championship Team in a great article on the role of relaxation in life and sports. He is quoted as saying "It is a paradox of athletics. Tension is slow, tension is inefficient. You need to be relaxed". In an analysis of Michael Phelps phenomenal performance in Beijing, Rick notes that when Michael Phelps raced, his stroke count on each lap (i.e. the number of times his arms rotated through the water) remained the same. Faster turnover does not lead to faster swimming or running.

So the message of the day is to relax and enjoy the ride. You WILL "get there" faster and probably enjoy it a whole lot more.

Get that Baby in the Water

Elizabeth, age 1 month; age 2 months

Last Saturday, we had a great experience at our swim school. We hosted a four hour presentation from New Directions Institute on Infant Brain Development. It was awesome and challenging at the same time. Awesome because it ratified many of the things we believe infant swimming provides to a child. Challenging because it highlighted how quickly an infant's brain develops the internal connections that they will use for their lifetime. Do you realize that a child's brain grows 25% in their first year to 75% by their second year and 90% by age three? Think about that. Ninety percent (90%) of the inner workings of a child's brain are in place by age three! The New Directions presenters and material do support the theory that it is "never too late" to work with a child.....but their research also validates that the road is a lot bumpier.

What role does infant swimming play in infant brain development? The seminar ratified our belief that getting a baby in the water early allows them to further develop those internal brain connections that are stimulated by floating in the water or by having water run over their faces which stimulates nerve endings as well as their breath holding reflexes. There are many things you can do with your infant and water at home, including showering with them, letting your infant float on their back in the tub or simply pouring water over your child's head and shoulders.



Additionally, the bonding and skin to skin contact that comes when you bathe with your child or take them to a parent and me learn to swim class is fantastic. Here at the swim school many of our evening and Saturday classes are predominately dads and babies. What a great chance for dad to get some real quality time with their baby! We view the parent as the student so they are getting the skills to work with their baby at home in the tub or pool. Many times in my parenting days I found it hard to get that toddler to sit still on my lap but when we got in the water, it was a great time to learn together, and to communicate verbally and non-verbally. In the water they certainly paid attention to who was holding on to them!

From the New Directions website: New Directions Institutes suggest that you become mindful of each of the ABC's of Early Learning in order to interact more effectively with your child. ATTENTION. BONDING. COMMUNICATION. Of these three the most basic and influential effects are due to BONDING.

So whether you swim with your child or not - get in the tub or shower with them if a pool is not available. As they grow and become more comfortable you can get out of the tub and organize games for them that they can perfect in the tub on their own. For some on what to do at home ideas, check out this article written by my wife, Kathy. Other may find inspiration from marine wildlife. Recently, I was visiting one of my daughters and her three little girls and had the pleasure of watching them re-enact a seal show from Sea World that they had all seen. I got to experience three little girls sliding into their bathtub on their bellies over the edge, "swimming" across the bottom of the tub with their faces in the water, and climbing out and do it again. Yes, you get a very wet floor but what a great show!